MATTHIAS HUES
Kickboxer 2: The Road Back (1991), Mission of Justice (1992), Fists of Iron (1995)

Huge German Viking-looking person from Germany whose soft little accent is enough to put a guy into the ground by itself. Occasionally crazy and liable to have his head turned by mild psychosis or dysfunctional programming (he’s an android, by the way), he’ll nevertheless see you through to the near-end of your nefarious scheme and will probably go down spectacularly just in time for your evil plans to blow up in your evil face. A tried & true choice.

Grade: 8.5/10

JAMES LEW
Red Sun Rising (1995), Balance of Power (1996), Outside the Law (2002)

Okay, if you’re going to spring for the grandmaster in the first place, drop the extra dime and make him your top henchman. Better yet, make him your partner! Anything less is like putting gold leaf on a Whopper. Make no mistake, he’s gonna fucking die, but he’s going to make the person who kills him look like so much more than a skinny dork pretending to fight. Give him a cape or a trench coat and he’ll throw in some lite supernatural feats. You’re really getting all the bang for your buck, here.

Grade: 9.5/10

RON YUAN
Ring of Fire (1993), Deadly Target (1994), White Tiger (1996)

No. Just stop it, you bastards. Stop being such fucking jerks. You know that choosing him’s going to spell humiliation for the poor guy. Like, whoever you put him up against is going to grab him by the wrists and make him start slapping himself. Stop it. I know you’re thinking of matching him against Gary Daniels again, and you guys are just mean. Listen: Ron Yuan puts his all into his henchman work and it’s not right that you laugh at him. He deserves some fucking respect.

Grade: A for effort, Ronny my baby

RON SMOORENBURG
Ninja: Shadow of a Tear (2013), Tekken: Kazuya’s Revenge (2014), Never Back Down: No Surrender (2016)

What’s the deal, Ron S.? Twenty years later and you’re still getting gigs based on how you beat up Jackie Chan that one time? Listen, dude: if you’re not going to even approach being that cool ever again, just let us know. People keep hiring you, and serviceable as you are, you know damn well we haven’t paid for plain serviceable. We’ve paid for Phantom of the Opera tickets and you’re putting on a damn puppet show. Not happy. You better shape up, mister, or I’m leaving you a bad review on Yelp.

Grade: Pending stern review

TORU TANAKA (aka CHARLES KALANI, JR.)
The Running Man (1987), Martial Law (1990), The Perfect Weapon (1991)

O-Oh! Oh my-! He’s…um…he’s rather big, isn’t he? Like, wide as car bumper. Chest you could fall asleep on… Arms that could calm a bear… I-I think if I asked, he’d pick me up and set me down someplace high. If he’s my bodyguard, he could physically shield me from morning to night, as close as possible. Just never let me out of his grasp… Good god, is it getting hot in here or what? Someone bring me some water before I pass out…!

Grade: 1,000,000/10